October is a tough month for me

October is always an especially hard month for me, but it also gives me a chance to spread the word about  Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness.   For some people they have zero trouble getting pregnant and have the "perfect" delivery.  Others, like me, are NOT that lucky.  I have shed more tears than anyone should ever have to do when trying to conceive.  Between fertility issues and miscarriages, I was sure I was never going to have the family I do now, but I thank GOD every day that I do.  But even more upsetting, knowing all the other women who have had it worse than me.  I have met so many that have had many more miscarriages than me, and far worse fertility issues, but we all share a special bond that NO ONE who has NEVER had fertility issues or miscarriages will ever know. 

I constantly find myself  thinking about the days I found out I was pregnant. The excitement. The fear. The doctor's appointments. The massive amount of sadness.  Don't get me wrong I would NEVER trade Breckyn and Xander for anything, but I do find myself thinking, what those babies in heaven would have looked like. Shoot, they actually may have looked like me, unlike my other two! LOL! But more than anything, I am reminded that GOD does have a plan for everyone, and you may not agree with it at the time, but he does have a plan, but at the time, I sure did not agree with it!

Another thing I have learned, is to fight through the pain, and to bite my tongue.  Also, that some people are just not that smart.  There were a lot of emotions running high through my miscarriages and for someone to tell me "It's OK, you can have another" or "Well, was it really even a baby yet?" or "It's OK to celebrate Mother's Day, even though you don't have a "real" baby" are COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO JUST LOST A BABY! There have been MORE times than I can count that I just wanted to smack someone in the head for their idiotic comment.  Like I said before though, if you haven't been through it you will never completely understand. Not that you wouldn't feel sorry or bad for them (and not that they won't appreciate your prayers and friendship), but you will never completely understand the pain and feeling of loss they have.

I had more trouble dealing with the guilt and depression than anything.  I couldn't help but feel like I was a failure at life.  I felt that that baby died because I was a horrible person.  After all, my body was the one that was suppose to protect this new life, and I couldn't even do that correctly.  The anger at myself, the guilt, and the depression were horrible. If it wasn't for a select group of friends who stood by me and u and helped me through it I would have gone down hill FAST. 

But it is amazing what life throws at you, because shortly after that last miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant with Xander, who, by all means, was my 2nd miracle baby! Breckyn coming at 5 weeks early via emergency C-Section, and the loss of blood I had, was my first miracle baby! :)  My Doctor pretty much told me that he was not going to survive because my progesterone was so low.  I would NOT take that as an answer.  Boy, were they wrong! :) Xander is now 2 and a perfectly healthy, boy, who runs, jumps, and CLIMBS everything, and I couldn't ask for me.

Moral of the story?  October is not only Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness as well. So, if you know someone who has had a loss or fertility issues, just let them know you are there and thinking about them, because the pain they are feeling is more than anyone should ever feel.